Agape Counseling Center Articles

Problem Solving and Temperaments Pt.1

September 17, 2008

Mary Ortiz

Most of us know that when there is a problem and it doesn't get resolved: frustration, irritation, anger and sadness can set in. The Lord talks about dealing with issues before the sun goes down in Eph. 4:26. If anger lingers and is unresolved, it could turn into resentment and bitterness, even depression.
In part one, we will be looking at the first element in problem solving, the communication factor. If you don't communicate about the problem with your mate, how can he/she see or understand the problem? If he/she doesn't understand it, how can it get resolved?
Most problems that are inter-intra relational are usually due to unmet needs. Each temperament tends to react differently to unmet needs, and therefore, tends to handle problems in various ways.
When stress and problems arise, unchecked, the weaknesses of the temperament can kick in. The sanguine tends to have a quick, explosive temper that can flash and then fade rather quickly. Often the Sanguine will not understand how people can still be affected by their anger, because it was a whole hour ago!
The Melancholy will tend to withdraw and stew for a long time when problems arise. They can also become more critical in their communication. This can be both hurtful and puzzling to their relationships.
The Phlegmatic tends to resort to a dry, wry sense of humor or "bury their head in the sand" to maintain peace. This often hurts and frustrates the people they are close to.
The Choleric will often lash out in cruel anger and try to manipulate and control the situation, while turning the blame on others.
Melancholy's and Phlegmatic's tend to hate conflict, Supine's do too, because of the fear of losing a relationship if they speak up. Supines tend to stuff their "hurt," which is really anger. They often become depressed. They also expect others to read their mind. This makes it difficult to communicate and solve problems. In 1 Cor. 2: 11, the Lord says, "for who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is within him?"
I often tell couples that if conflicts are unresolved, they will grow like rabbits. Before you know it, there are so many conflicts that they create a wall between people. The best way to get rid of a conflict is to work through it.
A major part of acquiring good communication skills is learning how to listen. The Lord says in James 1:19, "...but everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow the anger." If you have ever come away from a discussion feeling listened to, accepted, and validated, you have just experienced what it feels like to participate in good communication.
Here are some tried and true tools for healthy communication:
1. Make sure you have thought through the issue and you are calm.
2. Ask for a good time to discuss the problem. No longer than 45minutes.
3. Remember your goal for discussing the issue.
4. Have your mind open and ready to focus on the present issue (deal with one issue at a time).
5. Speak to each other as equals (no condescending tone or attitude).
6. Don't be run by your emotions.
7. Reflect back what you think you heard to clarify.
8. Do not assume intentions, but ask.
9. If you feel yourself getting angry, take a time out and come back to resolve the issue when you both are calm. In Proverbs it says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs: 15:1).
10. Avoid being judgmental or condemning in attitude. Too much condemnation can break another's spirit.

(In part II, we will be dealing with how to keep your own identity in a relationship while practicing good problem solving)

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