Agape Counseling Center Articles

The Dsyfunctional Family

March 22, 2006

Ken Wilson

As a counselor, I am asked the question from time to time, "What is a dysfunctional family?" In our society there are families that function well and others that seem to be troubled and turbulent almost constantly. All too often churches are similarly troubled and we wonder why this is so. The fact is that both the nuclear family and the church family are "organisms" operating on the same principle that when one member is in trouble or hurts, the other members are affected as well. (1 Cor. 12:12-27) In other words, the family in both cases is made up of members who are INTERDEPENDENT.

Everyone in the nuclear family is affected by Mom and Dad's relationship. When a parent controls others in the family to meet his/her needs (parents should meet the needs of the children, and not use the children to meet their needs) the stress and loss of identity of each of the other members creates dysfunctionality. Each member adapts to the stress by playing a different role. These roles are developed as survival behaviors to deal with the parental pressures of manipulation and intimidation. As these roles become more rigid the family system closes more and more and becomes immobile. Each person is impacted by the other's behavior. Instead of members of the family dealing with a crisis in a responsible and open way, they develop strategies of lies and a pattern of behavior that avoids, denies, and blames others. They become incapable of either change or responsiveness to the crisis. This is a "dysfunctional family." (Jacob's family is an example, Gen. 42:29, 43:14)

In healthy families, both in the home and in the church, each person strives to meet the other's needs. They are allowed to be different - to be themselves. They acknowledge and resolve problems, and allow each to express themselves in a direct, clear, sensitive, and sincere way. There is also accountability and discipline in love, where all mistakes and sins are forgiven, and all members are of equal value and have a deep concern for one another. These characteristics are the basis for a "functional family" and a living, vibrant, and growing church (Rom. 12:9-21).

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