Agape Counseling Center Articles

The Truth about Anger

March 01, 2003

Don Mellor

Sometimes we might think that it is a sin to be angry. But it is not a sin. Anger is a feeling. Sin comes from our behavior. In their book Telling Yourself The Truth, Dr. William Backus and Marie Chapian list five basic truths about anger:

1. Anger is not always bad. Anger can be normal and is an appropriate reaction in some situations. Remember, Jesus experienced anger when he drove the moneychangers out of the Temple. Backus says, "It is what you do when you are angry that has moral significance." Paul instructed the Ephesians (Eph. 4:26, 27) "Be angry, and yet do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your anger." It is important to get over being angry soon. Otherwise, it will give Satan a foothold to develop destructive, resentful self-talk. It is best to deal with the issues causing anger promptly.

2. Sometimes it's better to express your anger. There are times when it is appropriate to express your anger. Jesus spoke up when he saw ungodly people making ungodly gains in God's house. What he saw angered him. Jesus also taught how to deal promptly with situations causing anger. He said, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him" (Matt. 18:15-17). The Lord didn't say, "Go and scream at him," or "Prosecute him." Or "Go spread rumors about him." Rather, He told us to tell a brother his fault. It is a simple procedure. You could say, "I feel angry when you treat me that way. I need you to help me by not doing..."

3. Anger does not mean yelling and throwing things, or other intemperate behavior. Some people think that it is "OK" to explode and get anger off their chest. But research shows that if such behavior is rewarded, the aggression increases. Eventually people with "steam-boiler" behavior may commit crimes and hurt people-all because they haven't learned how to deal with their anger constructively. Anger is a behavior. It is also important not to swallow anger and pretend everything is fine when it isn't. That is not wholesome behavior either. Self-talk is a deciding factor in what behavior we choose when we become angry. Every person can control his behavior during anger, because God gave each of us the ability to develop self-control. He told us, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs" (Eph. 4:29).

4. I do not have every right to be angry when another person does not live up to my expectations. I have a choice whether or not I remain angry. Many people continually tell themselves misbeliefs when they are angry. And that keeps them angry. Anger is more frequently caused by our lying self-talk, than events that happen to us. To get out of this "anger cycle," try telling yourself, "I make myself angry. Other people cannot force me to remain angry over their behavior." By redirecting our self-talk to positive "truth statements," we take ownership for our own behavior. Unrealistic expectations set us up for disappointments, heartache, and frustrations. A person may blame others for his/her frustration, but the frustration is really the result of negative self-talk. In fact, having unrealistic expectations is the #1 problem in marriages today.

5. It is not dreadful or even especially unusual if others do things I don't like or fail to treat me as well as I treat them. When we brood over how others treat us, we waste a lot of time, energy, and thought. The Word says, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," (Rom. 3:23). If we tell ourselves lies such as "others ought to treat me in certain ways," we confuse what ought to be with what actually is. It would be nice if everybody were loving, considerate, thoughtful, kind and fair. But, in reality, that doesn't happen all the time. God chose to forgive us when we do not always behave thoughtfully, lovingly and kindly (Rom. 5:8). He expects us to grow in these graces in our relationships with others. We do that by changing our self-talk, and choosing to love and accept people around us.

At Agape Counseling Center, we use a cognitive approach to teach people to tell themselves the truth in their self-talk. When a person believes the truth, it affects his/her thoughts, feelings and behavior. If you see a need to improve relationships that are strained with anger, self-centeredness, or lack of harmony, call to make an appointment to go through a counseling program. Learn to control how to act when you are angry. Your life and your outlook will be blessed because you made this choice.

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